Life Without Oxygen
by Smif
Summary: It would be easier to try to live without breathing than try to live without you again. NaruSasuNaru
1. Girl Sasuke

**Life Without Oxygen**

_Major long ranting _A/Ns: Oh my holy stoats, and other small and deified furry animals. That took me from 4:00AM to 8:45AM thinking it up, and then from 8:45AM to 2:00 on the dot writing. And golly, my brain is dead. Which definitely isn't helped by the fact that I stayed awake ALL FUCKING NIGHT thinking it up. I've been up for 24 hours and counting, fucking hell my god I'm going to go die now.

Maybe.

Or I'll drink some tea with too much honey and fry my brain for a further too many hours on the computer.

That sounds more likely.

You know, the one serious problem that comes with four in the morning inspiration; it's fucking screwed to hell. Both literally and figuratively, in this case.

Oh, and the grammar (especially in the first chapter) is, excuse me while I repeat myself, screwed to hell. I have openly and bloodily butchered the English language, and you have my apologies. I had no particular reason for doing it (apart from, as I've mentioned, the four in the morning thing) other than that was how it was in my head (only there were a lot more 'and's and even more absurdly long sentences) and Naruto is rather drunk at the time. Not that that's much of an excuse, because it wasn't really meant to be because of that. I DUNNO! It was freaking four to nearly nine in the morning - my sanity is not exactly exemplary at the best of times, and I really don't think that this can be qualified as that.

Also, I am a hypocrite. I will freely admit to that. I have a habit of claiming noisy dislike of something (in this particular case: sniffling girly ukes) and then writing about them. To be fair, I don't usually end up writing twenty pages of the stuff. Quite frankly, I did not ever picture myself overcoming this particular violent anti-bias. Sadly (or not - you decide), I was wrong. Otherwise, I have no excuses. It happened. My brain is evil.

Warnings: NarutoPOV, weird writing style, yaoi, extreme gayness, cross-dressing (specifically Sasuke), uke Sasuke (seeing as that bothers some people, and it's not so very mild), underage sex, angsty sex, drunken sex, other sex and general unearthly hours of the morning weirdness. Consider yourself warned.

**Disclaimer**: Much as I am a firm believer that the purple butt bow and accompanying outfit is gay as anal sex, I have yet to see Sasuke himself in full out drag in the series Naruto. So I think we can safely say that I do not own the series; Kishimoto does.

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1: Girl Sasuke

Age 15

There are three Sasukes. The first one is school Sasuke. He's the only one anyone else knows about. He's an asshole, and he doesn't talk much. I don't know him very well, he's too distant. We used to fight all the time, but we slowly grew out of that, and now he mostly just ignores me, so I do the same.

Then there's home Sasuke, or secret Sasuke, or girl Sasuke, whatever I feel like calling her at the time.

The two Sasukes live in the same house; I've seen school Sasuke's file, and it gives girl Sasuke's address, so I know. He's school Sasuke until he goes inside the house, and then he isn't there anymore. The only Sasuke inside that house is girl Sasuke.

Girl Sasuke is beautiful. I know her a lot better. I don't even remember when I first started going to see her, or why. I just do. I go there pretty much every day after school, and after school Sasuke has gone home. Girl Sasuke looks very like school Sasuke; they both have shoulder length black hair, and a heart shaped face and the most amazing, deep dark eyes and creamy skin. But girl Sasuke wears calf length dresses in dark colours like black and purple, and she always wears perfect makeup and pretty, delicate earrings (school Sasuke has his ears pierced too, but he never wears earrings, they're against school rules) and black see-through stockings without shoes.

Girl Sasuke has beautiful feet. She laughs at me when I say that (she has a beautiful laugh, too, but her voice is just the same as school Sasuke's, it's sort of confusing sometimes), and says that feet are meant for walking on, not for being beautiful. But her feet are beautiful and small and elegant, and she walks like she's dancing, and doesn't touch the ground. Of course, because angels fly, and anyone can see that girl Sasuke is an angel.

There's always alcohol around her house, here and there (I don't know where her parents are, or school Sasuke's, or if they even have any, or where they get the alcohol, it's just around), so of course it's inevitable that we'll end up drinking it. Alcohol is made to be drunk, anyway, that's what its for. So we drink it and get rather tipsy or maybe mildly plastered, and girl Sasuke dances around the living room on the ivory coloured carpet without touching the ground and laughs when she falls over because she can't stand up straight. I can't either, so I just sit on the sofa and laugh with her and watch her because she's an angel.

(Sometimes I think about it for too long and remember that girl Sasuke isn't really a girl, because she doesn't have breasts and I know she doesn't have the right parts down there even though I haven't actually seen it, but I can't think about it for too long or I get scared and forget that there are two Sasukes, even if other people don't know it.)

She crawls across the floor because she's too dizzy to stand up and clambers onto the sofa and sits next to me with her legs crossed, and one of her beautiful feet hanging gently over the edge of the sofa and bouncing up and down a little as she taps it to the music. She steals the bottle out of my hand and finishes what was left in it and then dumps it over the back of the sofa and we laugh at one another again because anything and everything is funny when you're drunk.

I tell her about her pretty feet again and she laughs at me and puts them in my lap and I stroke them because I feel like it and her toes curl when I do and it's cute, especially when she laughs and says it tickles. I tell her she's pretty all over and she blushes a bit and looks away and says thanks, and then I tell her about how she dances instead of walking or flies I mean, she never actually walks on the ground it'd look too dull and angels can fly like her because she's an angel.

She blushes again and looks at her hands but she doesn't look happy for some reason, and I want to know why, it makes me sad when she isn't happy, but she takes her feet out of my lap and tries to stand up properly, and she does even though it takes a few tries. She says she's not an angel, because angels don't lie. I tell her grumpily that neither does she and she half smiles wryly and says how do I know, if she's lying then how exactly would I know that? I mumble that maybe I don't know but I wouldn't care anyway because she'd only lie if she had to and she is so an angel.

Then she starts to cry so I get up and I manage it faster than her because I'm more desperate. I hug her really tightly and she hugs me back and puts her head on my shoulder and stays there for a bit while she just cries. Once she's calmed down a bit she raises her head and cups my face in her hands and kisses me on the lips and I kiss her back and she starts crying again but she doesn't stop kissing me. She sort of pushes me back until I fall back sitting on the sofa again and she climbs into my lap with her knees among the cushions on either side of my waist and keeps kissing me.

Her hands fumble down pulling my shirt open and then my trousers and inside my pants and she strokes my cock. It feels weird and unbelievably good and I just keep kissing her. I sort of shove the straps of her dress down off her shoulders and I know I should be thinking about that she doesn't have breasts because I like breasts they're really nice but she's an angel and angels don't need breasts to be beautiful right? I try not to think about the other reason why she doesn't have them. Her back curves under my hands and that feels wonderful too, and she's so gorgeous and she looks so vulnerable all of a sudden with wet cheeks from crying and her dress slipping off her shoulders and her hair messed up and her lips a little open moaning softly. She has the hand she's not touching me with under her skirt and I can feel it moving and see it and I can't think _why_ it's moving like that because that's scary so I try not to.

She kisses me again and then I don't have to think anymore so I kiss back as hard as I can.

Her other hand leaves my manhood and slides under her skirt as well and if I didn't have my hands holding her in my lap she'd probably fall on the floor. She jolts and moans a lot and twists like she's in pain or maybe pleasure, I don't know, both. The folds of fabric above her crotch are pushing up too far and there's a dark patch of wet and I can't think about that I just can't. My cock is twitching on its own and I think about touching it but I don't partly because I'm pretty sure girl Sasuke would fall over if I moved my hands and partly because she's holding it again with both hands now and moving over it and sitting down hard so that she cries out and bites her lip in pain.

Her hole is so tight around me it hurts and she's breathing so hard and trembling and it must hurt her as well, I don't know. She's so burning hot and impossibly infernally tight and I can't breathe for a second especially when she bends her head to kiss me with all her might. She moans my name again and again Naruto Naruto Naruto, god, Naruto, and then lifts herself and thrusts back down on me like she's trying to pin me to the couch. It's working, because I couldn't move if you paid me, not away anyway, although my hips jerk up to meet her without me telling them to, I'm certain it must hurt her but she doesn't seem to care.

She tangles her hands in my hair and jerks on it hard, that hurts but I don't mind I just kiss her and dig my fingers into her shoulder blades, they move under my hands sliding back and forth as she rises and falls and her skin is so smooth and hot and slick with sweat. Her nipples are dark pink and pert on her flat boyish chest and they distract me from kissing her so I lick them and suck on them and she throws her head back and cries my name. Her hole clenches around me and I know she's nearly coming - I'm so scared - and so am I. Her hand grabs at mine desperately and shoves it down between her thighs and I'm touching her cock. The one I'm so scared of, that she shouldn't have and I'm scared shitless but I take it anyway because I know how much need she must be in right now and besides it feels like hot wet crushed silk because its slick with precum and velvety soft and suddenly even though it's scary I love it.

She grips my upper arms which are bare because she's pushed my shirt half off and leans down to kiss me and then comes into my hand and screams Naruto into my mouth. Her muscles tense around me and I come too groaning Sasuke against her gasping open lips. Her hands are in my hair and her thumbs are on my cheekbones because she was running them over my scars but now she's stopped.

Everything that was going fast, like us and our heartbeats and our breathing, begins to relax and slow down, apart from us, because we've stopped moving and are just sitting there, panting. I'm still inside her, and I still have her cock in my hand, and she doesn't seem to be moving anytime soon so I'm not letting go either, if she wants me inside her then I want to keep holding it too (god we're so drunk), besides its mine now I can if I want.

Shit she's crying again, falling with her head on my shoulder and crying that she's sorry why's she sorry didn't she want that? I did so why is she sorry?

She lifts her head and looks at me and her eyes are glimmering and a little puffy and red and her cheeks are wet because she's been crying most of the time while we were having sex as well. I lick the wetness off although I guess it doesn't really work (drunk we're so drunk damn it) it tastes salty and nice and she closes her eyes and rests her forehead against mine and whispers she's sorry again and again and again until I tell her to stop saying it because why is she sorry and she shouldn't be.

She says she isn't an angel she isn't anything she's a liar and a stupid sick faggot _boy_.

And then I find out about the third Sasuke who's called _my_ Sasuke.

So I tell him so.

And I kiss the side of his mouth and his jaw and his neck and run my free hand up and down his back (I can feel his backbone he's too thin every vertebrae under my fingers) and then lick and suck and bite at the part of his neck where it meets his shoulder and there's a tendon and it makes him moan and bite his lip and his cock twitch in my hand so I leave a hickey and then I leave more of them all over his throat and shoulders and neck because I can because he's mine now.

And while I'm doing that I growl and mutter that he is an angel and he's not a liar and I'm the stupid one not him and he's not sick or a faggot he's perfect and I love that he's a boy.

Because that's true all of a sudden I don't care and I'm not scared anymore.

And he cries and makes his hands into fists in my hair and says shit Naruto shit thank you only he stutters and stumbles on it and then he says he loves me. So I lift my head and kiss him on the mouth and hold the back of his neck while we're kissing and I can feel the muscles move there as his jaw moves I guess and I say I love him too and he's mine.

So now I don't really see girl Sasuke very often and school Sasuke doesn't matter because my Sasuke is sort of both of them at once and sometimes he wears dresses and sometimes he doesn't but I don't care what he wears so long as he loves me and floats on air because he's an angel. I go to his house after school and _my_ Sasuke is there and he kisses me and I kiss him and I love him.

After a while my Sasuke comes to school wearing a dress instead of school Sasuke one time and everyone stares and whispers. It pisses me off but my Sasuke just smiles and ignores them and dances on his beautiful feet. Some people stare at him the other way and like what they see, which pisses me off even more so I kiss my Sasuke in front of everyone so they know he's mine. He kisses back, so they know I'm his too. Later some guys from the upper classes come and call my Sasuke a faggot/cocksucker/butt pirate/anything else they can come up with, so I punch one of them in the face and break his nose. I get suspended for a week, which could be a whole lot worse (I could have to go to school for that week instead).

Sasuke skips school for the week that I'm suspended and we spend the whole time at his house with the phone unplugged because nothing else in the world matters but the two of us and each other and that we're together. The first night he wears a dress because he likes doing that and we go to his bed. I start to try to take it off him because I want him to be naked but he stops me and won't look at my face for some reason. I ask why and he won't say which annoys me so I try again and he yells at me and tries to get away. I pin him down by lying on top of him and kiss his neck and shoulders and ask why because I want to look at him. He says that he won't let me look at him. I ask why again, why, why, he yells at me to shut up he doesn't want me to see that he's not a girl.

I growl at him for being a dumbass I already know he's not a girl I want to see him because he's beautiful, damn it. He starts to cry which is a little scary because he doesn't usually cry when he's not being girl Sasuke or drunk and he curls up underneath me with his face buried in the mattress and says he's not a girl, he can't be a girl for me damn it. I roll him over and kiss his face and whisper that I don't want him to be for god's sake I love him as a boy not as a pretend girl so he should shut up and love me back. He says he does but he doesn't look at me so I lick his tears again and run my fingers through his hair, it's really soft.

He lets me take his dress off after that although he won't open his eyes and so I tell him the truth that he's even more beautiful than I thought and it makes him blush. I leave the stockings on and tease him because he isn't wearing any panties - he wasn't last time either - and does he ever under the dress? He says no and smirks at me and I ask is he trying to kill me and he says no he's trying to seduce me now shut up and screw him. I laugh at him and then kiss him and say shan't, but I'll make love to him if he wants. He blushes again and says yes, so we have sex and then he takes off the stockings and we go to sleep.

The next night he gets naked himself and I kiss him all over his body and tell him how beautiful he is and I even kiss his beautiful dancing feet and he laughs and says it tickles.

On Saturday we don't have sex, which I don't mind about I just notice since we have been every day until then. When we go to bed I figure we're just going to go to sleep and I snuggle up against Sasuke's chest for a bit because he's nice and warm and mine. After a while, though, before I start going to sleep he starts dropping soft kisses all over my neck and shoulder blades, so I realise he was waiting till then for some reason. I kiss him back and then he asks me sort of nervously if he can be inside me. At first I'm kind of scared but after a couple seconds thinking I think about shit how good it feels being in him so of course he wants that too, and he obviously loves it when he lets me, so it must be good, so I say sure. I don't say out loud but I think it I trust him completely, if he says it'll be good then I know it will be he isn't gonna lie about something dumb like that.

He says that it'll hurt at first but get much, much better. He sucks my cock first and then rolls me over onto my front and licks my hole. It feels weird but not bad, kind of tingly and strange, especially when he pushes his tongue inside. My body doesn't seem to want it there and tries to push him out, but it still feels amazing. Then he puts his fingers into my mouth for me to suck on, and I do because it feels good to wrap my tongue around something like he's doing for me, and my mouth is full of saliva for some reason anyway.

When his fingers are really wet he takes them out and presses one of them inside my hole instead of his tongue. It stings a little and feels weird because I'm not used to having anything in there but when he starts moving it in and out slowly it feels nice and my ass actually starts trying to pull his finger deeper, like it wants more wants his whole hand maybe all of him inside me every part of him so we're one person, so that we share every thought and feeling and part of each other. I think that I should try to find a better way of putting that so it makes even some sort of sense so I can tell him but then I forget.

When he touches something inside me my arms stop being able to hold me up and I land on my face like an idiot and just moan. It feels so weird but so fucking good I can't breathe. He does it again and I can't help it I just come from the rush and the newness of it. He adds another finger without stopping and strokes that part of me and prods it and pushes at it and it feels like I'm on fire. I get hard again faster than I thought was possible and my back arches and I start pushing back on his fingers trying to fuck myself on them.

Another finger makes it hurt and he moves all three of them inside me stretching me inside and out, it feels really odd but still not bad. The fourth finger makes me feel really full, and I'm certain there isn't room for any more than that up there, but when I think about the size of his cock it must be bigger than that, and I feel a little scared again. But he keeps touching the thing inside me and I can't help shoving back on his fingers even more and pleading for more, so I don't think about that I'm scared so much. It isn't enough, even though I'm sure that anything else will be too much, and it's confusing, so I just beg Sasuke Sasuke please fuck Sasuke shit even though I don't know what I want or what I'm asking for.

He takes his hand away and I growl at him in disappointment but he only laughs softly and says I have to be patient or it'll only hurt and I'll kill him for it later. I grumble and then feel the tip of his cock against my hole and try to consciously relax, because I remember from somewhere not sure where that that's what you're supposed to do. Then he's inside me and it does hurt, fucking hell it does, but he's kissing my shoulders and he takes my cock in his hand and strokes perfectly and all I can focus on is how good that feels not that my ass is on fire and there's something too big in there that shouldn't be.

He presses hard against the fire thing in me and I make a weird strangled noise. It's different from his fingers, way, way different, way better, a million times over, and my brain is dying I swear and I've never been so alive before. If it's always like this then I almost envy him. Only I want both because damn I love being inside him as well.

I come again with a cry over his fingers and the sheets and I feel my insides clench in a way I recognise, only it feels so weird and different being on the other side of it. He moans into my neck and I feel him inside me. It's the weirdest feeling, wet and hot and bursting deep in me where it really shouldn't be according to all sorts of laws of nature. But it feels good.

I'm lying in my come, two times worth as a matter of fact. But I can't be bothered to move, and apparently neither can Sasuke. Lucky he's not heavy. He whispers he loves me, and I say it too. After we've cleaned up we go to sleep literally wrapped up in each other, with our arms and legs tangled together so that we're inseparable.

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	2. School Sasuke

**Life Without Oxygen**

Warnings and disclaim: see part 1

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2: School Sasuke

Age 18

I haven't seen girl Sasuke for ages. I wouldn't mind so much, but then _my_ Sasuke started to go too, and now all that's left is school Sasuke. Too much school Sasuke.

And now he's looking at me expressionlessly in my kitchen, wearing clean smart boy clothes and I swear his mouth is moving but I hear nothing. Nope. Gibberish.

He can't be saying what it sounds like, because that's stupid.

School Sasuke keeps talking, like the snobbish bastard he is. I stare dumbly at him, I'm not really listening anymore because I got stuck around the words 'leaving tomorrow'.

I manage to choke out an expletive, cutting him off. He didn't think he could mention this sooner, I hiss. He sneers and says he forgot. _Forgot_. Forgot to tell _me_, his _boyfriend_, that he is moving to another city to go to a University there that probably isn't all that much more special than any around here, which is so far away that I won't be able to go and see him more than once every couple of months at the most on my budget. He'll be too busy studying to visit me. I've already been accepted at the Uni. closest to us, and I wouldn't have the credentials to get into his posh one anyway.

He says he has to finish packing, and walks out the door without pausing - no kiss, no hug, no hand squeeze or even a decent 'see you later'.

That makes sense though, when the next day he is already gone. I assume he had no plans to see me later, so he didn't feel the need to lie about it.

While I stare into the empty bowels of his flat, I consider that it's probably a good thing he isn't here or I'd be throttling him.

And then the betrayal hits, and I collapse into a miserable heap on the hallway floor that used to belong to him and cry my heart out because the bastard has broken it.

When the text comes a few weeks later informing me that we are officially broken up, it's something of an anticlimax, because frankly I've been thinking of him as ex ever since he left.

When summer is over I go to my local Uni. They're a good few years and I enjoy them - single. I graduate with a minor degree in mechanics, neck and neck with my roommate Kiba, and we join forces and start a mechanics' shop of our own, inventively named 'Akamaru's'. I must have been fucking smashed to agree to that - why name a mechanics after your pet dog, for Christ's sake? But Kiba's dog and our new business's namesake Akamaru becomes something of a mascot, and everybody loves him, pretty much. He's a very cute mutt, I have to admit, even if he is almost bigger than me.

There isn't much awkwardness between Kiba and I, apart from a small incident to do with Hyuuga Hinata, Kiba's crush, who rather unfortunately had a crush on me. She finally got up the courage to ask me out, which I admired her for, but I said no, as carefully as possible. We get past that, though, and she joins our business both as Kiba's wife and as our manager and bookkeeper, and all round one hell of an amazing gal. She gives us a new logo, too, using her degree in computer tech to fashion us a lovely portrait of Akamaru to sit over our workshop door, matching the way he sits under it and wags his bloody tail at every prince and hobo who walks past.

Our business isn't exactly prize-winning, but we're trusted and local, and we're the only decent mechanics in our area who can say that, so we get quite a bit of traffic, and we're doing good. I've got cash in the bank, and so have Kiba and Hinata, so there's nothing much to complain about, counting out the fact that I haven't seen Sasuke for seven years.

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(Sorry this one's so short...)


	3. My Sasuke

**Life Without Oxygen**

Warnings and disclaim: see part 1

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3: My Sasuke

Age 25

I hear Akamaru give his usual single bark of warning informing anyone who's listening that someone non-threatening has entered his personal bubble - conveniently consisting of the whole of Akamaru's, no more, no less; he's better than a freaking doorbell and bodyguard put together, I swear. I stand in the office, leaning over the desk and filling in a couple of receipts with greasy hands and the stub of a pencil. It needs sharpening pretty bad, but I can't be bothered fishing around looking for a sharpener, so I figure I'll wait until Hinata is around and ask her. She always knows where stuff goes.

Akamaru gives his 'reminder' bark - a slightly different tone than the 'visitor' bark, more like Hinata's sweetly exasperated voice when me or Kiba have promised to do something and then forget - and I glance up, dropping the all but dead pencil onto the floor and then making an irritated noise and kicking it away so that it skitters across the floor and comes to rest by the doorway into the kitchenette. I remember that I want coffee and to wash my hands, and then see the person standing in the office doorway.

He kind of looks at me without any sort of expression on his face. His eyes stare fixedly at me, not moving even a fraction, but that's less creepy than it could be because I'm doing exactly the same thing. My mouth hangs open a little in dumb silence, and there is Sasuke. My Sasuke, beautiful Sasuke, perfect wonderful betrayer Sasuke. Sasuke who walked straight out of my life and broke me up inside as he went. Sasuke the bastard. Sasuke who I'm so in love with I can never fall for anyone else ever again.

After nearly a minute, he steps inside and walks over to me slowly. His movements are kind of wary, like he's uncertain of how I will react, but I can't move, I just stand there. Very, very hesitantly he cups my jaw (he must be able to feel the stubble, I forgot to shave this morning because I woke up late) and touches his lips to mine, his eyes fluttering closed like settling butterflies' wings. His hands are warm and soft, not like my roughed up calloused ones, no, his feel like he hasn't done a single day's work in his life. Which, assuming you mean manual labour, is probably true.

It occurs to me to wonder if I'm dreaming, or perhaps it's a coffee-deprived hallucination. But no, I definitely heard Akamaru's barking. And it sounds like he's chatting in his doggy way to Kiba now - he only barks like that to Kiba, which makes kind of sense, seeing as they're both mutts.

I conveniently forget that my hands are filthy and they carefully catch Sasuke around the waist, probably ruining his fancy clothes for life, half steadying myself and half assuring myself that he's actually there.

Neither of us notice Kiba coming into the doorway with a happy Akamaru at his shoulder (damn dog is way too big, like a fucking horse), stopping dead, gaping while Akamaru's tail continues to wag brightly, and then turning and hurrying out of sight again on tiptoe with a stunned expression and good news for Hinata, who has been making my love life her interest for more platonic - motherly - reasons in recent months.

I punch Sasuke in the face. I'm actually fairly gentle, because I don't honestly want to do him much damage. He staggers back a little, bumping into the desk, with a small cut on his lip from the force of my knuckles, and a swipe of grease across his cheek - there'll be a bruise later. But he doesn't look angry. Just understanding.

You fucker I whisper at last, my voice finally returning. You utter son of a bitch. My voice shakes uncontrollably anyway, as do my hands, hanging open by my sides. He doesn't say anything, which is probably for the sake of his own skin; if he apologises now I might just snap and hit him again, probably harder than the first time.

I reach him again at the same moment as he pushes himself off the desk and meets me half way. We kiss hard, and I find myself re-learning the way around his mouth with my tongue, around his body with my hands, which move everywhere without me even telling them what to do, I'm not sure I could stop them if I wanted to.

I missed you so damn much, you fuckwit I swear at him, actual tears running down my face now. I jump a little when he licks them from my cheek, sort of shy and hesitant - he's never done it before, I was always the weird animal-impersonator when it came to that. I close my eyes and lean into him wordlessly, feeling my knees go weak and like I've got salty waterfalls ploughing down my face. I hope I don't drown him, or me, and then give a choked sort of laugh.

I open my eyes a little and see that he's crying too, but he manages to do it silently. He holds my gaze in a way he never used to do, and it's a little disconcerting. It strikes me just how much he's changed, even though he seems so similar. He isn't the same person anymore, not the same person who I gave childish labels to - 'school Sasuke', 'girl Sasuke', like he had nothing else to define him but those traits. Daft and selfish of me, but I guess that _was_ me when I was fifteen, sixteen - maybe even still am.

I'm home he says simply, in a tiny whisper, and his voice has changed too but not so much as to be unrecognisable. He's still Sasuke, whatever else about him might be different.

I love you, I mouth into his lips, and he responds instantly - I love you. It was a quirk of our relationship that when we really, really meant it, when it was most important, we wouldn't say 'I love you _too_', we'd just say I love you, like a confession all over again. It probably doesn't make sense to anybody else, but somehow it did for us and he hasn't forgotten. I just close my eyes and rest our brows together silently, soaking in the fact that this is _Sasuke_, Sasuke, the love of my life, and he's right here, right now, with his arms around me.

I step back a little way, both for the distance and because we're both soggy already and it's mostly my fault, as far as I can tell. He brushes an arm across his eyes and then blinks at me almost owlishly, and I chuckle damply, and then start to laugh. Sasuke smiles and I reach out and catch his hand and kiss it, which looks funny and we both laugh then, and he remarks that he should have guessed I'd choose a career that got me dirty and let me play with cars at the same time. I roll my eyes at him theatrically, and then Hinata makes her quiet entrance and asks hopefully to be introduced, her lovely pearl eyes shining.

Hinata, I tell Sasuke, my best friend's wife and my surrogate mother. Hinata giggles into her hand - she's got the sweetest laugh - and then I tell her that this is Sasuke, my... mine, I conclude, nodding decidedly, and Hinata giggles again and blushes a little which informs me that she understands perfectly. I notice that Sasuke is blushing a little too and looking off to the sidelines somewhere with a small smile tugging at his lips.

Kiba pokes his head around the door and introduces himself helpfully as the best mate and way cooler than Naruto. Sasuke replies that it's a pleasure, but if Kiba doesn't mind he'll stick with me. Kiba looks rather startled, catches exactly what Sasuke meant by that and goes a little red, and then points out hurriedly that he's taken, very taken thank you, and points to the wonderful wife almost accusingly. We all laugh at him, including Akamaru by the sounds of it, if dogs can laugh, and Kiba calls us all jerks, before hurriedly excluding Hinata from that, although she's still a meanie for siding with us, apparently. Hinata promises to make it up to him in her most innocent voice, and I crack up as I watch all the perverted possibilities cross Kiba's face in a split second. I tease him for a bit while Hinata looks slightly confused and then suddenly understanding and very embarrassed, and I get a light whack to the back of the head for making implications about her sex life. Sweet she will always be, but Kiba really did something for her right hook, among other things.

Sasuke mentions that he has a couple of bags out front, and he's been travelling all day and would like to relax for a bit. Hinata agrees determinedly, and excuses the two of us - or rather kicks us gently but firmly - for the rest of the day and orders us to go and catch up. I'm to let Sasuke freshen up at the earliest opportunity, is added discretely as I'm about to walk out the door, and I roll my eyes. Like I could keep the woman away from her hot shower, I point out, and get a slap around the ear from Sasuke who apparently doesn't appreciate my attempts at whispering.

It feels strange to be taking him home with me. I shove the two bags he mentioned - one small suitcase and a large, rather heavy shoulder bag - into the back of my pickup and we drive back to my house in silence. It's already six-thirty, time goes so fast sometimes, so I decide to make something to eat once we get there. When we do get there, Sasuke makes the same suggestion. I'm starving, but I need to shower before anything else, he informs me, and I tactfully don't make another comment about keeping him from his hot shower, because I respect and care for my ears. I agree to make dinner and he disappears once directed towards the bathroom, taking the small case with him.

I'm not the best cook in the universe, but I've lived alone all my life, so you pick things up. Figuring he'll want quick over gourmet (which might not turn out edible anyway - I have no illusions about my culinary skills) I hash together a decent meal in half an hour. I recall how bitchy he used to be about getting the proper nutrients, so I remember to make a salad as well.

He comes back a few moments after I've finished, while I'm getting the plates out of the cupboard. I put one on the table and turn back with the second one only to freeze and gape, nearly ending up with broken crockery. He smiles in amusement and takes the plate out of my hand, putting it on the table for safekeeping, and then turns all the way around like a dancer.

What do you think, he asks. He sounds dry and amused, but I see the note of real hopefulness in his eye; he wants to impress me. And damn, has he managed it. I'll never quite understand his affinity for wearing dresses, but man, can he pull it off. A dark plum gown, plain and somewhat close fitting, with a small flair to the skirt catching it on his right side and pulling it up just a little to show that he still has amazing legs. He's put his hair up into a short coif with a clip made of a beaded lily, with a few strands of beads hanging down and tinkling almost inaudibly as he moves. He has small, delicate amethyst earrings, and a matching amethyst and tiny black pearl necklace. He never went overboard with makeup, but his lips are slightly pinker than they were when he went into the bathroom, and he's got just a hint of soft blue eye shadow. And he's wearing black stockings with no shoes, just like he used to, dancing above the surface of the floor on his pretty dancing feet.

You look... absolutely amazing, is all I can say. My voice sticks a little, so I have to clear my throat half way through. He catches my eye, looking anxious to hear my opinion, and then relaxes and smirks and the moment of vulnerability is passed already, so quick that if I'd blinked I would have missed it.

I know, he says unconcernedly, turning towards the table, and I hide a grin and follow.

After dinner, I brush off washing up with the excuse that I'll do it tomorrow. He looks amused and says he's sure I will. And then we're both standing too close because we got up at the same time and I can't help staring at him, and it feels so like we've turned around and we're going through the whole falling in love thing all over again. He puts out a hand to touch my cheek and then I pull him urgently into a kiss. He responds just as urgently, giving a soft moan against my lips and dragging my hand down to rest on his hip.

Show me your bedroom? he asks in a soft voice. No problem. He wraps his arms around my neck and boosts himself up sharply, winding his legs around my waist. He's still not heavy, but he's certainly not as light as he used to be. I grin at the thought and consider teasing him, but kissing him seems more appealing so I do, all the way to the bedroom.

He drops down once I step inside, and I make a token complain about freeloaders. He smirks and asks if I'm really protesting, but he doesn't wait for an answer, and orders me to take my clothes off before I have a chance to open my mouth. I close it again and obey wordlessly. I don't have to remind myself that I haven't had sex for seven years and I was beginning to get a little desperate - celibacy can do that for a man. I'm not sure why I even kept it up - I didn't really expect to be with him again.

He's taking the clip out of his hair as I turn, presumably so it doesn't get damaged. It's very pretty, looks like the sort of thing that must have taken someone a long time to make. He takes off his necklace and earrings as well, and then looks up at me, and I turn off the light. It isn't exactly dark, although we took our time over dinner - the sun's just setting, and it sends red and gold and orange beams through the window and onto his face, setting all his features into sharp relief. The sight takes my breath away and I have to close my eyes for a second to make sure my heart really is still beating.

When I open them he's standing upright on the mattress, which makes it a good thing I have a low bed or he'd probably be just about bumping his head on the ceiling. He smiles at me, a sort of lopsided half smile, reminiscent and a little bit sad.

I missed you, Naruto, he whispers into the quiet room. I open my mouth and then close it as words run through my head. First to say I missed him too, but then 'why the fuck did you leave?!' demands to be asked, and then I shy away from the harshness of the sentence. I love you, I say finally, because that's what really matters, when he's standing on my bed in a dress and I'm stark naked in front of my bedroom door and we're going to have sex very soon. No, make love. That's the true way of putting it.

He smiles again, fully and happily. I love you, he replies earnestly, and _then_ I fling myself across the room and jump on him laughing and kiss him hard. It feels like we're sixteen again, messing around and playing because it's fun, not sad and serious like when we were fifteen, or empty and detached like when we were eighteen. He rests his pretty feet on my back, laughing into my mouth as we kiss, and then the mood changes again and I stop and draw back a little and just look at him, flushed and waiting, breathing a little heavily from the sudden rush.

Why, I ask suddenly, my voice desperate Why, what did I do, why did you go? I bury my face in his bare shoulder, the thin, soft strap of his dress brushing and scratching lightly against my cheek. His fingers sink into my scalp and run through my hair gently. Nothing, it wasn't because of you, he murmurs back comfortingly as I begin to cry again. I feel hormonal and a bit like a woman, but when it comes to it it's probably my turn.

Then why, I ask brokenly, hiccupping and undignified, but I know he won't laugh at me. Because I was scared and a coward and I needed you too much he answers in a shamed whisper, but I still don't understand, and I tell him so. I needed to know what I really felt for you, and I depended on you, Naruto. You were my reason to live, and I didn't want you to be because it fucking terrified me, he sounds kind of desperate, and he's almost crying too. I left because I wanted to prove to myself that I could without turning back and running home to you like a pathetic little kid, he mumbles, closing his eyes and half turning his head away.

So you had fucking self-esteem issues? I sound incredulous I know, kind of hurt and very much betrayed.

Yes- No- he protests and then tries again. It wasn't that, it was just... It's so hard to tell when you're only eighteen, if you're really in love or if you just think you are, and-

I cut him off feeling frustrated. You mean you were fucking over thinking things again, I say, and he doesn't seem to be able to deny that.

I was weak! He says finally, biting his lip. I still am, but at least I know I can survive now, so long as I know you're there. But I know about that, too, I mean I really am in love with you- It would be easier to try to live without breathing than try to live without you again, though, god, I need you so badly.

He stops suddenly and I look at his face, while he stares back silently. And then I give him a lopsided half smile like he gave me and begin to laugh softly - weakly, because it isn't very funny, but he's half laughing too and he closes his eyes and sighs deeply. I'm sorry, he says simply.

And I kiss him breathless, because I can.

Because he does, and always will, belong to me.

* * *

Wow, that was a marathon.

I wrote - AND FINISHED, IN ONE SITTING - more than one chapter of fanfic! Or _anything_! Ho mai _gawds_.

(I feel my brain fizzing. 25 hours and ten minutes...)

(My girlfriend maintains that I'm not allowed to be dead. She is apparently not a necrophiliac. Good to know.)

Soooo yeah. (Fizz fizz...) What did y'all think?

That means **review**! Please? I kind of consider this my first real lemon - seeing as in most cases where sex comes up I kind of skim over it. I don't _think_ it was too crappy (I hope not, seeing as it's at least half of the entire fic), but I'm curious as to what other people think of it.

(Sorry for the extremely long and inane A/Ns. Fizzle spit blibble.)


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